Weather : cloudy




Well it's a record July in England: 18 degrees Celsius and not a spot of sunlight. What happened? Where did Summer go? Did Sunak steal the sun on his way out of No. 10? We'll never know. All that I know is that some sunlight might motivate me to actually get out of bed in the morning. It's hard to get up when you can see the dull world outside. Despite the dreary state of things I managed to get out of the house today, which I don't want to commend myself too much for, but the weather could be a symbol for how I've been feeling lately. I feel like with every step I take, I take 5 back. Here's a couple of things that have got me down lately:

- I lost my job. I trusted my co-worker at my previous job when he scouted me for a new bar opening in Canary Wharf; his prior job as an estate agent should have sent alarm bells ringing, the snake. The place was supposed to open on the 12th of June but it was pushed back to the 19th of June. The upstairs bar, where I would work as a waitress, took another week to finish so I was basically a barback for a week and a half. When they finally opened upstairs I was given bizzare opening shifts that ended just before it got busy upstairs. I trusted that this would change once I proved myself upstairs, I mean, both the bar and floor managers were happy with my performance. I guess I should've seen it coming. I was fired on Saturday night and promptly removed from the work groupchat. No reason was given other than that I didn't mean their par of quality. I'll admit it, yes, I slacked off at times, but only with other coworkers and never when there was actual work to be done. I suspect that this is due to one of the floor supervisor's upstairs (the co-worker that scouted me initially) because I rejected his advances. He threatend to tell the AGM about me at 2AM because I refused to read his wall of text about my "aura" and how he felt, whilst presumably drunk, about me. The good news is that my first job seems happy to take me back, I have a meeting with the new GM tomorrow (little scary).

- Resits. I failed two of my modules this term. I didn't pass my module on Social Psychology because I couldn't focus on writing my essay; usually I do great when writing essays but my grandad got diagnosed with cancer, one of my uncles died and I had to go to his funeral and I was so worried about organising my exchange year in Groningen that when it came down to writing I couldn't. My friends who sat next to me in the library would ask why I'd been staring at the screen for hours, only writing a word or two. I just couldn't. I had my notes, my knowledge, etc, but I just couldn't. The second module I didn't pass was simply due to me not understanding things. Regardless, I have to resit both in August so that I can get to Groningen. I feel empty just writing about it but I've got to suck it up. I hope this year abroad in Groningen is a sabbatical for me, like, of course I'll have work to do but I'll hopefully have more spare time. Speaking of...

- Groningen. A city in the north of The Netherlands known as a haven for students and young professionals. Not quite as expensive as Amsterdam and a hell of a lot less expensive than London, I'm kind of excited to go there. When bookings opened for accomodation near the University of Groningen they were snapped up within about 3 minutes. I freaked the fuck out. Luckily, spaces opened up at a building about half-an-hour away from the city centre: Winschoterdiep. I jumped at the opportunity and nabbed a room. I didn't really do my research. Now I'm regretting it. Sure, I now have a definite place for me to stay during my exchange year, but according to the internet it's one with rats, thin walls, constant parties, and one or two kitchens shared between about 12 or 20 people. I guess it'll be good for making friends? I could use friends. I'm kind of tired of having nobody near me; my housemates are lovely blokes but they're busy with their work and I'm busy with mine. At least I'll never be lonely in Groningen. Is that a good thing?

- My boyfriend. I'm worried I'm smothering him. I'm already very insecure but the idea that I'm bothering him by being around is constant. I feel like Hachi from Nana. Plus, there's no certainty that we'll stay together when I move to Groningen. I really think I want to stay with him. Whatever... I can't worry about that now or else I'll never be able to relax.

- My writing. I tried writing yesterday. I couldn't. It's like my teenager's writing block came back to haunt me and now I can't get back into it. Combined with my perfectionism, I'm paralysed. I wish I could just be 13 and writing silly Yandere Simulator fanfictions again. Sometimes I read them for laughs but really I'm envious of my younger self for being able to sit down and type word after word on a dinky little Samsung S8 for hours.

That's about everything. I don't really know what else to write now other than that I hope you guys are a lot happier than I am. I mean, why am I so unhappy? Good things happen to me all the time. People are nice and smile at me. Today I went to Oseyo in Islington and whilst they didn't have any of the warm char siu buns I like, the cute cashier guy was working and I got to speak to him. It started to rain but when I went to buy an umbrella the clerk on the floor smiled at me and was happy to tell me where the umbrellas were. I bought and ate food today that made me happy. I got to text my boyfriend, I got to text my best friend, I managed to get my lazy butt out of the house and updated my website. More people followed my website. Good things have happened today, despite being little, and maybe if I take notice of them more I'll be a little more happier. Does that work for you guys? I wonder... Anyways. Thanks for reading my latest diary entry. Have a great day!