Weather : sunny and warmer than usual




Hello everyone. I hope you're doing well. Nothing's really new in my life but I feel like I should write something every so often or else we'll stop seeing each other... Oh! Haha, what am I saying? You're not my sweetheart... haha... unless...

Today was very unproductive. I woke up early but went back to bed because my eyes were so tired. I ended up leaving home at half-past 4 and I got to uni at 6. I think I might be traumatised since last time I went to the library at uni I spent 16 hours there - seriously! The worst part was that I was only working on two 1,000 word essays. I just couldn't focus even without my phone. I don't know whats wrong with me, although it was kinda funny that I met my friend at the library in the afternoon I arrived and I saw him again as I left the next day. He couldn't believe it. It feels good to have finally finished though, even if I didn't really do well on the essays.

Today I'll be applying for my Visa and my student finance. Get things done and out the way.

Okay, so I just found out that to prove I can study in The Netherlands (to get a visa) I'll need a bank statement saying I have 15,000 in my bank account. I just applied to student finance and should get the letter confirming my finance in 6 - 8 weeks but if I don't get it by the 1st of July I'm going to have to beg my grandad to transfer me thousands of pounds for like 20 minutes so I can pretend I have the money to study. I'm terrified. I'm so mad I didn't apply for finance sooner but I didn't even know that I was getting into Groningen until a week ago, sure, a week makes all the difference, but fuck it 15 GRAND? And whilst I was filling out my student finance application I called my Mum to make sure she could access her e-mail, I told her to change her password and write it down so she didn't forget, then she called me back and told me and asked why she did that. Like I'd know?! Then I repeat what I just said and I say something or other and she starts having a meltdown. She was obviously very confused and ill and she chose now to have a meltdown. She told me I'm embarassed about her, yadda yadda, she's done this all before, and when she demanded I stop talking to her like a child I told her to stop acting like it. "I can't". If I can then so can you.

Y'know I live everyday in constant anxiety about everything and everyone around me but if I can live with it so can she. I don't have any empathy for people who just wallow, it's a massive reason why I hate myself, I'm so unproductive, but at the end of the day I make it and that's what matters. I just don't get it. Generally, if I work hard it seldom pays off. I might have a new job with more hours for next month but even a forty-hour work week won't do much for me. My rent is now going up to a grand a month and that's not including bills. That's 4 grand in my savings for now, my rent at the end of this month will take that down to 3 grand, then next month I might get paid more money in a new job and that could be between 1.2 - 1.8 (I'll try to work as much as I can) so that'll be an extra 1.something in my savings, the rent should leave me with 4 grand again, next month the same, and again, and again, and I feel like my world is going to collapse like a house of cards.