Weather : sunny but cold
Promesas Sobre El Bidet by Charly Garcia



I feel really miserable which isn't good because I have to get on studying for my exams in two weeks. I also feel really cold today. I had too much coffee because the lady working today messed up an order and gave it to me (thankies) but like... I really should have said no. Caffeine doesn't mix well with me.

I feel so unloved. That's a stupid thing to say because my best friend loves me, my Mum loves me, my neighbours, everyone, and I could never commit suicide. Last night I kept thinking about the scary experience I had when I jumped off a dock with a complete stranger; there were lifeguards so I wouldn't have died, but I was still scared, and even thinking about it now my heart feels weak. Anyways I feel unloved. I feel undesirable. I feel so unattractive and unpleasant why should I even exist? What value do I have? The only value I feel I could ever have is being attractive and funny but for the past week I haven't washed my face or gone out with anyone; I avoided going to some flatmates' joint birthday party and a friend asked about it. A week prior I told her ver batem: "I don't know how to continue this conversation" and she said "Yah it's fine! Don't worry. Look after jourself, okay?" (she's Spanish). I like to think I can hide it well but I guess I'm not. I'm not coping. I don't want to die but I don't want to exist. Maybe I need therapy. Maybe I needed therapy years ago. It's too late now. I can't listen to avant-garde Argentinian post-rock and cry in a library. I have to do my reading and be a good student. I have to succeed. I have to, but godamnit, what's the point?

It's all well and good typing all these things up but I still haven't signed up to a gym. I still haven't created a meal plan. I still haven't bought healthy food. I'm still me. I can say "what if the gym doesn't work?" and "what if I'll never be healthy?" but I haven't actually tried to. I should just shut up and do it. Come on, get up, get up and do something.

I hardly moved from my bed for the past four days. Prize is in Japan, having fun, going to hostess bars.

I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. EVERYONE AROUND ME HATES YOU. STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET HATE YOU. ADMIT THAT YOU HATE ME AND BE DONE WITH ME.

It's only a matter of time until I become a serial killer. One time I came home from a date sobbing, drunk, because I watched The Talented Mr. Ripley and related a little too much to the protagonist. It didn't help that my date was stinking rich.

I can't even express myself artistically, it's so pathetic, suffering and misery but no page to paint it on. How pathetic I am. I want to go home and cry until I sleep. I want to never wake up.

I want so desperately for my misery to be unique it's almost pitiful, but not quite. I feel so alone. I feel so fucking alone. There's no place for me in the world. Why did I have to be born? Why can't I just die. I want to die. I can't be loved. What would I tell my best friend? I'm sorry. I just couldn't live. What would I tell my neighbour's boy? I'm sorry I could never be there to watch you grow. I'm sorry everyone, I just couldn't hack it as a human. I want to be in the ground. I want to know what it is, to die, because I'm twenty and I'm tired of living already.

I MISS EVERYONE SO MUCH. I miss my neighbours and their baby (he's three now).

All this over a man who never loved me. God aren't I just a loser?

I don't know how to explain how I feel other than by listing my symptoms, which I've already done. Maybe I should explain how I see things? I think that I have to be attractive to be loved. When I gained weight a few months back I felt awful about it but never found the motivation to work out. I still haven't found it. I already have pretty bad skin (regular acne, obvious pores) and a homely face. My teeth are another issue; I don't care that they're crooked but I keep getting gingivitis. I feel especially bad about all of these things because they could be managed but when I do get on top of it I always find a way to fuck it up. Example: some gum around my tooth was bleeding about a week ago, so I kept using Corsodyl and it cleared up. Then I didn't leave bed for a few days and neglected to wash or bathe. Now the bleeding is back and it's red around the gum. I have no dental in The Netherlands. This is easy maintenance but I haven't been on top of it and now I'm scared my tooth will fall out. I've always feared that. I think it's bordering on obssession. I dreamt about it two weeks ago.

I don't know what else to write. I should probably start my reading. Goodbye.