This diary entry is going to be a little disturbing.



Today I feel so unexplainably angry it's not even comical. I feel like typing is the only way my body can use up all the caffeine bouncing around my body right now. Reading this will be difficult for you because I'm going to make a lot of mistakes that will piss me off, so I'll make more mistakes, and I'm going to be typing out very stupid and aggressive things anyways. I fucking hate Dutch keyboards, they're so fucking stupid. Anyways, I had too much coffee earlier and I suddenly felt really angry. It's so childish I know. I tried to do my reading for Deception in a clinical setting but when I started reading about factitious disorders I just got angry; we all know about Gypsy Rose Blanchard but for some reason we still hospitalise people with FD. Why? They don't deserve the space in hospitals that could be given to somebody else. I don't think lying should be considered a psychological disorder. The lines get so blurry too (so I've read, unable to think for myself as you know) because of adavancements in neurology. Maybe they're biologically predisposed to lie? Is that a disorder? No. I don't know. All I know is that all of a sudden I'm possessed by some rage I can't shake and can't fix and I feel so fucking stupid for it. When I was in this mood when I used to live with my Mum I would go to my room and strangle myself with my hands. It's a novel form of self harm but not too uncommon, or so I've read (Psychology of Female Violence by Anna Motz, I want to buy it). My wrists are hurting typing this. Sometimes it's like I want to get a lobotomy because I can't stop hearing voices when I reach this peak anger: usually laughter, which is very tough when you're in a library full of silent people, because the laughter makes me want to scratch at my arm or tap my pen and then I get even more angry because I'm bothering others and STOP LOOKING AT ME DAMN IT! Haha, just kidding. I get very violent when I'm like this, which is really pathetic, speaking of I still need to get a gym membership. I will probably say this until the end of my exchange when I remain in this pudgy and pathetic body. I hate my body. I don't think I'll ever love my body, but going to the gym might change it, I mean, not pinning all my hopes on it or anything. It's go to the gym or get an eating disorder and I care too much about my teeth to devote myself to hurling over the toilet every day, oh, plus I have to share a bathroom with three stalls, so no privacy. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just know that deep down there's an angry child who never got to talk back to her over-critical mother, wishing that the worst possible thing could happen to anyone and everyone around her because the world is just so unfair.

I don't know lets maybe try listing out every thought in my head? I've done that before. Okay so I met a guy and his name is uhhh Kyler, yeah, like the guy from Class of '09 (when's the anime coming damn it?!). He's so fucking pretentious I don't think I'll ever voluntarily be around him again. We tried to get to know each other more on the way to pick up our residence permits, and whilst I could say I had a fun time with him, things were off to a rocky start. We were talking about where we grew up and he lumped "I grew up in a rough area" with "I grew up around a lot of pikeys" which I guess he thought he could say around me, because as a real subversive guy, he would never have pegged me for one. I don't talk like them. I don't dress like them. I don't act like them. I hate that. It makes me want to cry now. I feel like I have to justify myself to everyone when I bring it up, I have to explain it everytime, and I just want to cry because my children will never travel and I will never travel and my own family are a bunch of lowlife scum, spare a few. Anyways, after Kyler said that I sat up straight and made a face that matched the words "I wouldn't say that". Despite being blythely unaware of his position at all times, both physically and socially, he picked up that he maybe might have said something wrong. He apologised but immediately justified it with "my friends and I say it to each other". I reminded him that we weren't friends. Maybe I should get over it, y'know, we're in Europe so people could say worse about Gypsies, but when I think of him I think of that and how much different he must think he is when really he's just another lemming. Practically, he can be useful, i.e. he arranged the group tickets for the trip to Utrecht for our residence permits, but the way he talks just pisses me off. I don't know how I put up with him on that Saturday. I couldn't say. My moods are erratic like this so it goes without saying some day would come where I was well enough to enjoy his company, but most days I can't imagine I would. I sound miserable when I type these things out haha, but that's it, I'm a very bitter person.

When I say lemming it could mean a lot, but the impression it gives you is most likely that I think I'm better than everyone else. "Deep down" I do not think I'm better than everyone else but on the surface I do, I act like I do, but that's what a narcissist is. I think that's what I am but I don't constantly think so, like, in this moment I would say to someone "I describe others as lemmings because I'm having an ego trip and that's because I think I'm a narcissist" but it's not like everytime I see the pretty girls in my accomodation I think "Must be nice to be so attractive, ah, I feel insecure now, what a narcissist" or "I just sneered at that man for not seeing somebody trying to get past him, I'm so glad I'm hyperaware, I'm so much better than him, oop, I'm a narcissist!". I can't explain it to you so I'm sorry. Maybe this isn't even narcissism, maybe BPD? Gross, imagine having BPD. Narcissistic BPD is a thing but I don't lack empathy, I feel guilt often, or is that different? This is what I mean when I ask "why don't I know what's wrong with me?" because I've been doing my degree for two years, I did A-level Psychology for two, then GCSE Psychology for three years. That's seven years experience but I still can't dissect myself. I feel like an idiot. None of this knowledge got into me and stuck. Here comes the low, the part where the anger subsides and I start to feel miserable. I have to suck it up and stop feeling this way. It feels like my stomach is a bunch of knots, tangled wires, scratching against my insides. I want to eat but don't. I want to scream but can't. To put a pin in it: conflicted. Going for a cycle might help this but I don't want to, I'm acting out the role of a toddler who doesn't know what she wants, throwing toys out of the pram, hungry, no, thirsty, no, but always screaming about it.

I think I have a meeting now for one of my modules.

If I had to list out all of my "symptoms" they would probably be: - erratic moods, never happiness
- laziness, lack of motivation
- fatigue
- low self esteem
- overactive ego
- paranoia
- general pessismism
- unhealthy amount of anger
- recurring thoughts of violence
- being hypercritical
- being hyperaware
- random feelings of loneliness (in the bathroom stall?? yeah i hope i'm alone)